Court-Ordered Homebody — Hoodie

Some people stay in because they love streaming, scented candles, and cozy blankets. You stay in because a municipal judge determined you are a severe flight risk with a penchant for grand larceny. Either way, domestic bliss is no longer a lifestyle choice—it is a legally binding mandate.Meet your new best friend: three pounds of tamper-proof, state-issued plastic that literally refuses to leave your side. It gently buzzes when you think about crossing county lines and rigorously enforces your evening curfew. Who needs a clingy partner when the justice system cares this much about your exact GPS coordinates? Not a pedometer, so stop asking how many steps you took pacing the living room. Water-resistant up to the exact limit of your probation officer's patience. Vibrates aggressively when exposed to airports, liquor stores, or international waters.