DEPARTMENT OF GROIN STOMPING – EMPLOYEE STARTER KIT

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU’VE BEEN HIRED. After an extensive review of your qualifications (we didn’t bother), Master Ken has personally approved your employment with the Department of Groin Stomping. Your salary is outrageous. Your benefits are nonexistent. Your boss is Master Ken. Welcome to the Department. ONLY 29 EMPLOYEES WILL BE HIRED! Each limited-edition Employee Starter Kit includes: WHAT’S IN YOUR STARTER KIT? 1. EXCLUSIVE DEPARTMENT OF GROIN STOMPING T-SHIRT Report for duty in your official Department uniform, featuring the Department of Groin Stomping seal. Limited colors and sizes available Tri-blend upgrade available for an additional $4 2. YOUR FIRST (AND LAST) PAYCHECK – ONE GAZILLION DOLLARS Congratulations! You’re rich! Receive your very own oversized One Gazillion Dollar bill, featuring Todd Woodland, the World’s Best Uke. This represents your entire lifetime salary, paid in advance. Don’t spend it all in one place. Novelty currency. Not legal tender. 3. OFFICIAL DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE ID CARD + LANYARD Every employee receives one randomly assigned position from five highly prestigious (and mostly unnecessary) departments: Groin Research Scientist – Laboratory Division G.I.A. Agent – Field Operations Division Stomp Impact Engineer – Engineering Division Groin Records Clerk – Archives Division Restomp Defense Attorney – Legal Affairs Division Your collectible employee credential comes in a horizontal clear ID holder with a red lanyard. You do not get to choose your position. Master Ken has already made that decision for you. 4. OFFICIAL EMPLOYEE ONBOARDING APPLICATION Complete your mandatory Department paperwork, including your martial arts history, Restomping qualifications, emergency contact, and your emergency contact’s emergency contact. Your assigned division and job title have already been determined by management. Yes, you’ve already been hired. Yes, you still have to fill out an application. 5. EXCLUSIVE SIGNED PHOTO OF YOUR BOSS, MASTER KEN Every kit includes a photo featuring Master Ken’s personal management philosophy: “I DON’T MICROMANAGE. I MASTER MANAGE.” Personally signed by Master Ken, your new boss. Display it proudly at your workstation. Remember, he’s always watching. 6. EXCLUSIVE EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION VIDEO Scan the included QR code to watch your mandatory employee orientation, conducted by Master Ken himself. Learn about your new responsibilities, Department regulations, and why one stomp is never enough. Attendance is mandatory. Comprehension is optional. IMPORTANT EMPLOYMENT INFORMATION Only 29 Employee Starter Kits are available. Once all positions have been filled, recruitment is closed.